i feel absent. empty. alone. lost in someone else’s dream. half-heartedly stumbling through “life”. unmotivated. bored (-ing). unable to display thoughts clearly. unreasonable. slow to adapt. useless.
I used to think that I could never lose anyone if I photographed them enough. In fact, my pictures show me how much I’ve lost.
I used to think that i was actually good at things- art, friendships, relationships, academics. I don’t draw or paint anymore, I have lost contact with almost all of my best friends from st louis, I dread talking to any of my family members, and I currently suck at school. I dont know how to manage my time wisely, i am constantly tired/exhausted, my boyfriend moved in with me and we still barely get to see each other on account of the fact that he is at work most of the day while I am at school and then i stay at school for an additional period of time after clinic to work on projects. i dont know how to get my patients numb and I’ve used too much of a certain type of anesthetic before. If a professor were to ask me what I think would be the best method to restore a tooth, I would probably look at them like they have antlers sprouting out of their heads. I dont know how to cut crown preps properly and my professors and patients depend on me to do the right thing. I suck at E chair. Oh and it takes me about a year to fully get used to how things operate.
I can’t help but shake that feeling that working at the clinic day in and day out is similar to working doubles at the restaurant during undergrad. At the end of the day, I”m physically exhausted. I guess the one thing that is different is that I do learn something new each day in the clinic. I just suck at time management and I really need to work on this more in the future.
I almost wish I could repeat 2nd year all over again and actually pay attention/learn something in my lectures rather than skip class and cram for the exam. I sincerely believe that life would be easier in the clinic.
Right now I feel like a jumbled/twisted ball of yarn and I can’t see clearly or function properly. I overcomplicate situations in many different angles.
I’m a fucking mess and I just wish things would get better already!